


Keep Breathing

by orphan_account



Category: Free!
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Rin swearing, endgame is definitely makoharu though, fears, somehow RinHaru and MakoRin got implied, sorry - Freeform, that was not intentional and i don't know how it happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-02-03 03:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1728647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto's greatest fear is the water. How can he cope when looking at the eyes of his best friend is like looking into his worst fear? But he loves Haru enough to weather the storm, and help his friend. (Basically Makoto and Haru struggling with their feelings for each other. What else is new?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep Breathing

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be like, a 500 word drabble on fears. And then it turned into a 3500 word monster about new feelings and trying to describe unrequited love, when all you want is for the other person to be happy. Since I love Makoto & Haru too much, it was definitely not unrequited, it just required a little drama to get them together. However, it's definitely unbetad and it's 1am so I am sorry if there are lots of mistakes.

Makoto was still afraid of the water, and unfortunately that meant that looking into his best friend’s eyes for too long was sometimes a struggle. 

For years, Makoto listened to people compare Haru’s eyes to the ocean, waxing poetical on the pacific currents that flowed in those endlessly blue eyes. Some days, they were serene and clear, like a tropical sea. Other days, it was like watching the storm that had taken his fisherman away so many years ago. Rushing rapids swirled and pulled on him, like a vicious undertow that gripped him tight and threatened to drown Makoto anytime he looked for too long. 

It was terrifying, but he loved Haruka. And for him, and any of their friends, he’d brave the water. But after their training camp, he should have known that he couldn’t keep his head above the water for that long. 

After their final relay at nationals, when everything had finally clicked again, when the rift between Rin and Haru, Rin and Makoto, _Rin and all of them_ , had finally healed, the waters were calm. Makoto’s heart didn’t quake when he looked at his best friend, his breath flowed normally, and there was no underlying fear every time he looked into Haru’s eyes. 

But all good things must come to an end. 

// 

Celebrating their renewed friendship called for a party (according to Nagisa, at least), and so after a lot of persuading, Mikoshiba allowed them to use the Samezuka pool. It was only supposed to be the six of them—Rin, Haru, Makoto, Nagisa, Rei, and Gou, but somehow Mikoshiba and Nitori had ended up at the pool that afternoon. Mikoshiba claimed he was helping Nitori with his flip turn and had lost track of time, but the way his golden eyes kept flickering towards Gou spoke another story. Nitori’s embarrassed apologies conveyed his innocence in the matter, but as he tried to leave, Makoto kindly invited him to stay. 

No matter what Rin said, Makoto knew that the small silver-haired boy had a lot to do with Rin getting through this year than he let on. And as Rin smiled at Makoto, his cheeks turning as red as his hair, and quickly grunted out a “thanks for letting him stay,” away from where anyone could hear him, Makoto knew he had done something right. Though he had been quite surprised to hear Rin say anything to him, and he knew he hadn’t done a good job of hiding the astonishment in his expression. 

“Oh, oh, RinRin has _seeeeecrets_! Let’s listen, Rei-chan!” Nagisa’s lilting voice came traipsing over to Rin and Makoto, making Rin’s ears burn red as he stomped over to Nagisa. 

“Listen here, you little shit, I ain’t got no _secrets_ , and if I did, they’re not for you anyways!” 

Makoto laughed, watching Rin try and wrestle Nagisa into a headlock, but Nagisa’s lithe frame allowed him to slip out and push Rei into Rin’s path. The two collided and fell awkwardly into the pool, with shouts of “Nagisa-kun!” and “Damn shota!” echoing amongst Nagisa’s laughter and their own loud _splash_! 

The unsettling feeling that someone was watching him sobered the amusement of Mikoshiba yelling at Rin to clean up his language. With a shiver running down his spine, Makoto turned to find Haru, who had been standing near one of the diving blocks, staring towards him. Makoto smiled at him, a question in his eyes as Haru’s eyes focused and settled on Makoto’s. 

Dark, frigid water, and fierce undercurrents that dragged you under suddenly had Makoto’s heart pounding in his chest. He quickly looked away, unable to handle the shortness of breath he was experiencing. Deep, shaky breaths filled his lungs as he pondered what had made Haru so upset. 

He hadn’t seen those eyes since right before their relay. No, not even then. He hadn’t seen such tempestuous eyes since… Since… 

Searing cold rain. Sticky, wet sand scraping against his skin. The burning, raw feeling of salt water being forced from his lungs as he coughed and he coughed only to look up and see—

Blue eyes as stormy and wild as the sea they’d just escaped from. 

Makoto paused and looked at his friend from the corner of his eyes—Haru hadn’t moved, but his head had turned towards the pool, peering intently towards the water with his eyebrows furrowed. Makoto knew that look—it was the one Haru always gave the water when he was confused—but why did he have that look now? Why had he given Makoto that look? Hadn’t everything already been fixed? What more could possibly be troubling—? 

“Haru-chaaaaaan, get in the water!” Nagisa’s taunting broke Makoto’s train of thought and had Haru staring impassively at the blond boy. “I can’t believe even Rei-chan was in before you!” 

A splash was Nagisa’s only response from Haru, though Rei’s indignant protesting could be heard quite clearly through the sound of Haru breaking the surface of the water. It felt more like Haru was breaking through Makoto. 

// 

The rest of the afternoon had actually been fun, once Rin had snuck up on Makoto and pushed him into the pool. Suddenly, the tense atmosphere he had been nearly drowning in was gone, replaced by the laughter of his friends and a splashing contest that rivaled even Ren and Ran’s summer fights. Even Mikoshiba and Nitori seemed to be enjoying themselves among the rest of the Iwatobi group (though to be fair, Mikoshiba seemed to be more preoccupied with Kou, and for once it appeared as though she was enjoying the attention). 

It wasn’t until Haru and Makoto were alone on the train back home that Makoto remembered that dark look Haru had given him earlier. But what could he say now? The silence between them was thick and he could already feel it pressing them farther apart. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. 

After the relay, after everything had been _fixed_ , Makoto had felt as though their friendship would only grow stronger. Yet something was pulling them apart. 

// 

Haru was terrified. It wasn’t an emotion he was familiar with, with the exception of a few events in his life. But he wasn’t afraid of _things_. He was, however, afraid of feeling. Of one feeling (or a million—he hadn’t quite been able to distinguish the difference yet) in particular. He just didn’t know how to explain _what_ it was, there was no word for it—it wasn’t happiness, though it made his cheek muscles hurt from holding back a smile. It certainly wasn’t anger, even when he could feel something coarse and red-hot pulling up from his gut like a corkscrew. Occasionally he wondered if it could be sadness, with the way that his eyes would suddenly burn and his hands would clench like he wanted to cry. But it wasn’t any of those things. 

Sometimes it felt dark and magnetic, like the pull of desire or even jealousy, but what did Haru have to be jealous over? What did he want, other than water?

Sometimes, it was all of those feelings all at once, stitching him together only to pull him apart in confusion. Which led to the terror. 

It was so much, _too_ much. Each day he pled to return to that cooling numbness that had plagued him while Rin had been gone. Now that he was back and everything seemed all right, it felt like the years of emotions he’d somehow skipped were coming back simultaneously. 

During those years, Makoto had been a hot air balloon amidst a desert of detachment. He had been the one to pull him out of those horrible cold periods, to make him care about things like eating and going to school and getting out of the bath before he ended up with a fever. But now… 

Now the desert had been flooded with a sea of emotions and Makoto was the one lowering the balloon, guiding them both towards terrifying territory. It was like a switch had been flipped; now that his relationship with Rin was repaired, he felt that his bond with Makoto was waning. Makoto was no longer holding Haru up, either because he didn’t have the strength to keep their symbolic hot air balloon flying, or because he didn’t want to. 

Now Haru’s head hurt from all the mixed metaphors of hot air balloons, deserts, seas, and god what was he even thinking anymore? Thinking like this was never something he enjoyed doing, but Makoto had been quiet for so long. 

Makoto had been quiet for so long; he was never silent for this long, unless he was tired. One quick look confirmed that Makoto was indeed _not_ tired—the tense grip of his hands on his backpack and the straight line of his posture were not indicators of a sleepy Makoto. But that quick look was all Haru needed to have a deluge of hot-and-cold emotions surge from his extremities until it centralized near his heart.

This was that feeling—the one he couldn’t describe. He’d felt it first when Makoto had nearly died on the beach, though not to this extent. It wasn’t until this afternoon when he watched Rin corner Makoto, when he watched Rin’s hand brush Makoto’s shoulder and the look of… Affection on Rin’s face, and Makoto’s surprise that nearly made him sick with, something.

It wasn’t jealousy. Honestly.

(At least, not _just_ jealousy)

//

It hadn’t been too late when Makoto stopped in front of Haru’s house, ready to say goodbye, but the nervous swirling in his stomach made him certain that Haru would probably rather be alone right now. 

“You gonna come in?” Haru’s soft voice surprised Makoto, and he looked at his eyes to gauge whether or not the question had been in earnest. His pacific blue eyes weren’t as calm as they used to be; they were like the rising tide, mild but building towards something. No matter what, Makoto would be there for Haru, so if the tide broke and a storm built in its place, he would be there.

“Yeah, just let me call mom and let her know.” 

// 

The silence never really left them. Instead, it blanketed them in something thick but easily penetrated, like wet sand. The quiet hiss of grilling mackerel and the gentle clink of the pan against the stove were muffled, like Haru was a world away, instead of just in the kitchen.

A muted click alerted Makoto to the stove being turned off. Haru appeared shortly thereafter, serving rice and mackerel onto the plates Makoto had already placed. They did this at least once a week, several times a month, hundreds of times in a year, so why did it feel so strange? 

The sour taste in his mouth grew as he took a bite—he knew it wasn’t from Haru’s (impeccable) cooking. They hadn’t had a silence like this in… Forever. Never, probably. Makoto knew Haruka, and Haruka knew Makoto. These things didn’t happen because Makoto knew when Haru needed the silence. But he didn’t know, not now. 

It felt like sitting with a stranger. 

//

“Oi, Makoto, where’s fish-fins?” 

Makoto shook his head and tried not to laugh—Rin had the strangest nicknames for them sometimes. 

“He’s… Not feeling well today, he said to say sorry.” Makoto could feel Rin’s annoyance rolling off him in waves. He stepped back slightly, just out of teeth range (no matter how long they’d been friends, Makoto would always be wary of Rin’s teeth). 

“Bullshit. He’s avoiding me—not even that, he’s avoiding _us_.” Confusion puckered his brow as Makoto tilted his head. “You mean you haven’t noticed?” 

Makoto shook his head. “Noticed _what_?” 

A bark of not-really-amused laughter felt out of place compared to the irritated expression Rin wore. “Good lord, mind-reader best friend can’t even see it, there’s gotta be something wrong.” He sighed before they took a seat at a table in the mall food court. 

“Haru’s avoiding us when it’s only going to be the three of us. He has no problem when it’s me, Nagisa and Rei, and him. Shit, the other day he actually hung out with me and Ai.” Crimson burned across Rin’s cheeks as he coughed and continued, attempting to ignore Makoto’s suddenly pleased grin. “What I’m getting at, is for some reason, Haru won’t do anything when it’s just the three of us anymore. And if you haven’t even noticed, I’m assuming it’s cos he’s finally pulled his head out of the water and realized that you guys are pretty much married and is pissed that I’m probably infringing on some sacred married-couple moments. Or some shit like that.” 

A dropped jaw and a confused, “Uhhh…?” was the only response Makoto was capable of giving. He and Haru, like a married couple? They were best friends! And no, that didn’t mean that Makoto didn’t realize that most best friends didn’t act like that, but, yes, occasionally, he’d recognized that his feelings towards Haru weren’t exactly platonic, best-friend-y feelings. 

“Oh, god, Makoto, he’s useless when it comes to feelings. You’re going to have to go talk him through everything. And if you don’t, I’m going to make you and fish boy sit down until you do! But I guess if I’m wrong, I owe you like a month of niceness to the person of your choice. _But_ ,” Rin grinned, teeth glinting intimidatingly, “if I’m right, and Haru just has a stick up his ass about admitting he likes you, I get to make embarrassing couples remarks for forever, and you can’t say a word about me and Ai until we’re ready!” 

Smiling weakly and nodding in response, Makoto supposed that Rin had given him a pretty good deal. He had been avoiding the issue just as much as Haru had. While Haru wouldn’t hang out with Rin and Makoto anymore, Makoto was the one not questioning it when it was not normal. Not after their friendships had been renewed. 

// 

After that rather… Enlightening conversation, Rin and Makoto caught a movie before Makoto headed back home. As he drew nearer to his house, he found himself opting for the familiar path to Haru’s home. His hand hesitated before the front door, still deciding if he would knock. Did he really want to have this conversation now? 

 _Knock-Knock._  

Better late than never. 

As expected, it was quiet. If Haru was in the bath, as he most likely was, there was nothing that would get him out for a knock at the door. Resignedly, Makoto headed towards the back to go talk to his friend. 

What he wasn’t expecting though, was to find Haru sitting with his back to the front door and facing Makoto as went to head up the stairs. 

“Haru-chan? Are you okay?” The anxiety of their impending conversation was replaced with worry when Haru’s eyes met his. Makoto was used to seeing blue, used to sinking in it until he was barely able to breathe. But not _red_ , not the tiny, wiry blood-red streaks that threaded their way through Haru’s eyes, offsetting the blue and making them appear to glow. 

It was terrifying and breathtaking. 

“I don’t… ” Haru took a deep, shuddering breath. “I don’t know what this means.” His eyes focused on the floor, one hand gripping his shirt above his heart. “It hurts, but it makes me happy, and I don’t know what to _do_ with it. What do I do with it?” 

Makoto felt an ache, deep and ingrained in him like it had been there all his life. “Oh Haru,” he breathed, dropping to his knees and leaning close to his friend. “I don’t know. I know that ache though.” He looked down at his hands helplessly, remembering the times when Haru had pulled back from him, or when he had absolutely ignited under Rin’s competitive spirit… Makoto had never done anything for Haru except stay. And if Haru let him, he’d stay forever. 

"It seems tiny at first, like a pinprick somewhere inside of you. But that tiny space starts letting everything else in—the happiness, the peace, the pain, and j-jealousy…” Haru’s eyes finally looked up at him and Makoto felt impelled to continue. “It grows, and before you know it, it’s filling up all of you and pulling you apart because it’s too much. But you can do it. I know you can. I’ll always be here to help you through that. You just need, to _talk to me_ sometimes, Haru.” 

The hand that gripped Haru’s shirt slowly relaxed, but it stayed put, his thumb and forefinger slowly rubbing the material trapped between them. Makoto’s eyes were drawn to that nervous movement for only a moment before Haru spoke.

“Do you love Rin?” 

Makoto could have laughed if he didn’t feel like his heart would come bursting out of his throat in place of the sound. Instead, one of his hands shakily covered Haru’s, gently at first, until the rubbing stopped. Then the pressure increased and his forefinger slipped under Haru’s, filling in the space between Haru’s pointer finger and thumb. 

“My heart,” he gulped, “is right under here.” 

With a voice as timid as his actions, Makoto's thumb barely grazed the tops of Haru’s knuckles. Haru’s hand tightened in response, pressing his own hand and Makoto’s firmly to his chest. Quickly, Haru’s other hand shot out and pulled Makoto to him. Gripping his back, Haru’s forehead leaned against Makoto’s shoulder. 

“I love you, Makoto.” It was a soft croon, gentle like a mother to her child, but astonished, like he had only just realized it. “But I thought, that day at the pool… Rin loves you, and you are my best friends… I want,” he paused, softly rubbing his head against Makoto’s shoulder. “I want you both to be happy.” 

“Haru, Haruka, _Haru_ …” His name was a soothing melody, uttered relentlessly from Makoto’s lips. “Rin loves Ai, I thought you knew that? He said that the three of you even spent time together. Didn’t you notice?” 

“I noticed Rin saying Makoto’s name a thousand times, talking about Makoto like you were there with us, like you never left his thoughts…” That familiar ache burned its way to Makoto’s heart. For years, he had thought that Haru had loved Rin. Never had he suspected that it was Makoto he loved. But to think that Makoto and Rin loved each other? 

“Sometimes Haru, you should be a little more selfish.” Haru started, the hand at Makoto’s back tensing. “Yes, I love Rin. And though he’d be hard-pressed to admit it, he loves me too I bet. But it’s the same way that I love Nagisa, Rei, or Ren and Ran. They’re family. But you, Haru, I _love_ you. It’s never been anyone else but you.” 

Hesitant lips gently brushed the top of Haru’s head, and his thumb gently began caressing the back of Haru’s hand again.

“If you want Rin and I both to be happy, let me love you. I’m happy with _you_.” 

// 

The pain in Haru’s chest tightened continually until Makoto finished. It wound its way through every part of him, coiling endlessly until finally—it snapped. 

Relief flooded his senses, and the rush made him lightheaded. Surely that was the strange sensation he felt sweeping across the top of his head—he was just lightheaded, right? Dizzy with the love that swelled in his heart and rose to make him feel faint. Makoto wanted him. And not as a second choice, or at the expense of his friends. 

Makoto wanted Haru. And Haru wanted nothing more than to make him happy. Looking up at him, he finally saw what had terrified him for so long. Haruka loved Makoto, and Makoto loved him in return. 

He didn’t have to be afraid. 

// 

They weren’t able to get married until they were thirty-one, but the day they made it official (legal, rather—they’d been married for years anyways) found Makoto and Haru sitting side by side in front of the ocean a few hours before the ceremony. As much as Haru wanted a seaside wedding, he had compromised when Makoto had suggested the waterfall Haru had first fallen in love with. 

It was silly, to others who knew the significance, but Makoto knew that none of that mattered—he wanted the place Haru first felt what love was to be compared to what he felt now. It wasn’t meant to be a competition; Makoto understood that Haru would always have a special connection with water. But after years of both of them struggling to feel more than second best, this would bring that last bit of closure to both of them.

Listening to the orchestra of the waves, Haru pressed his hand into Makoto’s. Makoto would always come first. And as Makoto smiled at Haru, gazing into blue eyes, he realized he didn’t need to be afraid of the ocean in Haru’s eyes. He had weathered the storm time and time again, and it only made his love stronger.

**Author's Note:**

> I would feel like a massive plagiarist if I didn't cite the fact that I actually quoted an Ingrid Michaelson song here. These were the main songs I was listening to while I wrote it: How We Love (Ingrid Michaelson), Are We There Yet (Ingrid Michaelson), Young and Beautiful (Lana Del Ray), Die Alone (Ingrid Michaelson), and I’m Through (Ingrid Michaelson). Brownie points if you can guess what the quote was, and which song it was from ;)


End file.
